An Act of Meditation

Lately, my mind races with worry and anxiety. In one short month, I will have quit my job, left my puppy with a friend and gotten on an airplane to meet my husband in Mexico where we will commence on a four-month trip, driving through Mexico and Central America. Though I am blown away with excitement to have this opportunity, my thoughts are plagued with anxiety: Is Sage going to be okay while I am away? What if a car hits him? What if he gets lost or the vet finds that he has cancer? Will Nate get killed or held hostage somewhere in the mountains of Mexico? What if I never see him again? Will I sit by the curb at the airport in La puerta, with no husband in sight? Simply, because I do not know the awful travesties that has befallen him?

So, I knit. Being a beginning knitter, I do many redundant patterns. Knit, knit, knit, knit fifty-four times; purl, purl, purl, purl, fifty-four times. It is mindless; it allows my mind to clear and fill with an intention and concentration of another kind. With each stitch, I repeat my own mantra, “Nate and Sage will be safe.” The repetition of this simple mantra calms my fears and assuages my worry. The longer I repeat it, the longer it stays with me throughout the day.

What meditation practice?

I sat, writing on my computer, thinking about how much I wish I had grabbed my water bottle before I had sat down. My mouth was parched; my throat itchy-I was so thirsty. But I was lazy enough that I was going to let myself sit there and be uncomfortable. After agonizing over wanting my water for an hour straight, I looked to my left and saw it sitting right next to me.

At times, my laziness gets the best of me. My meditation practice, or lack there of, is a shining example. Every time I think about meditating, the little voice inside me says, “Maybe the house is too cold… maybe someone will call or knock on the door… perhaps I’m just too tired and I would just fall asleep if I tried it.” Sure, I make excuses-who doesn’t. I’d like to believe them-who wouldn’t?

Unfortunately, I remember the first time I truly decided to start meditating. My freshman year of college, I went to an early morning meditation/prayer group and we sat in silence. At least I think we sat in silence, I don’t remember because I fell asleep at the beginning. As the group came to a close, I jerked suddenly awake. The day was Sept 11, 2001. I walked back to my dorm room; as I entered my room, I learned that the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center had been hit with two hijacked airliners while I was asleep when I should have been meditating.

One would think that this particular experience would make me leap into a regular meditation practice almost immediately, seeing as what happened when I slept through it. However, it had the opposite effect. This experience has shied me into thinking that a regular meditation practice is out of my reach. Or maybe it gave me an excuse to continue being lazy. But I think I’ve got hope for 2010. Yes, 2010 is a promising year.